OCCUPY Everywhere!

So, I haven't really had time to blog as of late. Between the ridiculous load of papers and project this semester is bringing, to keeping on Emily to not act like a stupid teenager and actually DO the load of homework she has, to volunteering with the fogies in the hopes of a job in December, then I added a new "job"...Occupying.

I went to a Rally on Columbus day during my lunch break from classes. Emily was with me because she didn't have school and I did, so I thought bringing her to school to see what Mom did might get her to start caring and want to go to college. We went down to the Bank Of America at noon, where a group of people called The Band Of Rebels were protesting. I figured I would go, show my support, bring my kid to show her what it was all about. I had no idea what I would learn.

I went home that night and became a member of Occupy Rochester. I have met so many people, learned so much more about the movement than I ever expected. I would love to say I could express what the movement is, and what it all is about but instead I will quote a local writer from The Democrat and Chronicle, Mark Hare.

"You've seen the numbers. Middle-income wages have been flat for decades. The Congressional Budget Office just reported that between 1979 and 2007, the "average real after-tax household income" for the top 1 percent grew by 275 percent. For the 60 percent of the population in the middle, incomes grew by just 40 percent. The richest 400 Americans have total wealth equal to the bottom 150 million.
The numbers tell the story of democracy compromised and opportunity lost. That's why people are in the streets.There's no simple explanation for how we got where we are. There are many factors: regulatory failures, outsourced jobs, massive tax loopholes, widespread layoffs, lost benefits, exploding costs of college, a political system fueled by money and increasingly responsive only to the corporate interests who pay for the campaigns.
Americans don't hate rich people; most Americans hope to be rich someday. But when a handful of people make all the critical economic decisions, control most of the wealth, derive huge tax benefits and bailouts at the expense of the former middle class — the vast majority at the bottom have no chance to advance. That's what these protests are all about."

So, I have jumped feet first into activism for something I am so passionate about. I have endured friends and families criticisms of my choices. I have been yelled at and threatened by passerby's and fellow students. I have seen people turn a blind eye, not bothering to educate themselves before they open their mouths to scream I am a "socialist". But, I have also seen friends who were set against the movement turn and change their minds, and former classmates have seen me in the street in front of school protesting, and then come down because they want to see what it is all about and join. I have met some of the most amazing, passionate, intelligent people with so much to give. And most of all, my proudest accomplishment, I have seen my daughter take an interest in it and want to be a part of it.

She had a school trip to Washington DC a few weeks ago and she wanted to go see the protesters there. She did a current events project in social studies on the Occupy movement, and I hear her telling her friends about what it means. She even explained taxation to some of them! She will jump at a chance to come to a rally, or take donations to the park. That is why I am doing this, because of her. Because I want her to have a fair chance at the 'American Dream" Because someday, she will be able to tell my grand-kids what I did. And because I want her to be as proud of me as I am of her for standing up for myself and others the same way I am always telling her to do.

The Ex factor

The worst thing I can think of, is running into an ex after a number of years. Not necessarily a boyfriend, but a friend, uncle, cousin, friends ex. It's just an extremely uncomfortable experience for all involved, even if it ended amicably, it sucks. For years before my surgery, when I would go home to visit my Mom, and she would want to go somewhere, I would cringe every time we walked into a place, fearing I would run into someone I knew, ex whatever. And the next day would be the "Guess who I saw? Boy did she get FAT!!" And without fail, I would run smack into someone. Now, I am sure some of those people did say that, why I cared, I don't know, but a lot of people probably didn't. It had taken me a long time to get to a point of saying "I don't really care what people think." and mean it. Yes, losing 135 pounds has helped that, but I had to shed a lot of so called friends a long the way as well.

This weekend was my 20th high school reunion, and my feelings on that were mixed. I had gotten over a lot of stuff from "those days" and a lot of my wanting to go was, to prove more to myself than anything that I could face some people again after all theses years. It ended up being a great time for the most part. I saw some old friends, I felt pretty confident about how I looked, which NEVER happened while I was in High School. (I'm sure the 5 to 6 glasses of wine and my awesome boyfriend helped me to feel that way!) I even danced a little bit, and for a little while, I let my guard down and just relaxed and had fun.

When I look back on high school, I remember wanting nothing more than to get out of that town. My biggest fear was never leaving. Staying there was my idea of hell. That little town was a jail as far as I was concerned and I was breakin out ASAP! I left for college and never looked back. Along the way I paid some hard knocks, and reinvented myself a few times, made a whole heaping lot of mistakes that I thankfully learned something from. Started over a few times, and finally got to a place that I have never been happier at. And now, all the crap that went on back then seems so long ago and stupid, but it still shaped who I am today weather I want to admit that or not. And for some silly reason, I felt like I had 20 years worth of proving to do. I know, it sounds like a bad movie plot doesn't it? The goofy girl comes back to prove herself..like Romy and Michelle's High School reunion, only less blonde.

What really happened, was I let go of 20 years of BS that I had been holding onto and just had fun. Fun I haven't had in YEARS! Again, a lot of my own confidence was because I was -135 pounds, and half in the bag, as stated before. And a lot of it was because I had grown up, and so had they, and the ones who didn't and showed up with attitude, I ignored. Maybe I just suddenly realized I had survived worse then high school in my 38 years, and so had they. A rotten marriage, bankruptcy, divorce, an felon EX-husband who doesn't pay child support, living in a falling apart trailer taking care of a baby alone, and weight gain that was spinning out of control from depression and guilt...much worse than who was a bitch to me in high school. I got through all that, what's a little reunion gonna do?

One thing I did not expect from this night, I saw some one I had unfinished business with as well. And I was able to say a few things that for 20 years I have always wanted to say to them. I'm glad to have had that opportunity, and to finish a chapter that I had always felt so bad about all these years. It was good to see them, and even though I feel a little weird about it still, It was therapeutic, almost like finishing a book with a happy yet sad ending that leaves you wishing you hadn't finished it, but at the same time glad you know the ending.

I'm sure a lot of this makes no sense to anyone but me, and I will publish it but apologize now if I ramble on about nothing. Just a rant I have to get out, and now I will close the book on high school angst, and continue on with life as I know it.

My Major Award

Thank you Kerry, AKA Hamchuckles for nominating me for an award! I do not have anyone else to nominate yet as I am fairly new to the blogging world, but eventually I will be able to return the favor. In the mean time, here are my 10 things about me...

1. Music is a HUGE part of my life. When I remember times in my life, I relate them to songs I remember on the radio. There is not a genre of music I do not like, except maybe gansta rap...yeah I think I can say that one safely is not a fav.

2. I only listen to NPR on my radio...I LOVE LOVE LOVE Open Tunings and World Cafe. I wake up to Morning Edition and end my day with All Things Considered..if that make me a nerd, so be it.

3. My favorite thing to do is a wine tour with my boyfriend...and not in a limo with a bunch of drunks (no offense drunks:) We pack a little lunch of crackers and cheeses, plot out where we want to hit, jump in the truck and go. We will find a nice little spot, hopefully in a vineyard for our lunch and enjoy the day together. Even if the wine sucks, the company is great♥

4. I am addicted to Goodwill and VOA... find myself in Walmart looking at clothes and thinking "I can get that cheaper at Goodwill."

5. I am the only person in my house who can fold the towels. because I am the only one who can fold them right.

6. I own too many hats and purses...and only wear/use one or two anyway.

7. I have an abnormal fear of closed spaces, I can't even put my head under the bed to look for something.

8. Hell on earth to me is a trip to Texas in summer.

9. My Mom and my Sister are my 2 best friends

10. I love indie films and documentaries..especially history documentaries

It's true...I have issues.....

Today was the last day of classes for the spring semester. I had it pretty easy this semester. I only had to take a minimum of 12 credit hours, and since this was my fist time back in school in 20 years, and I had no idea what I was doing because I spent the majority of my first try at college in a drunken stupor, I took it a little easy on myself. I took my major of course, and field work, along with Early European history and Women's Issues.
Now you may be thinking why the hell do they have a class called Women's issues, we all know we have them, why teach a class on them? The class was designed to take a social view of issues women faced through out the years, and what we still face....yes...that dreaded word that all men LOVE to hate is about to rear it's ugly head....it's a FEMINISM class!!! (don don ddddoooonnnn!!)

The class had such a big turn out, that they over booked it and it ended up being the biggest class my professor ever taught, and the most controversial to say the least.
A lot of women in this class were like myself, adult students, with kids and a whole host of issues that held them back through the years. From addiction to gangs to abuse, it was there. There were 5 guys in the class too, with their own issues who contributed their point of views as well, which made for some pretty heated discussions I will say.
Most of the class ended up being sort of a therapy for some who related their own experiences to the topic of the week. Many times I left class stunned at what someone said. Many nights I would relive the class at the dinner table and my boyfriend and I would have great conversations about it.

Before leaving today, one of the girls gave us a little mini diploma that had an article a Bishop wrote that really spoke to me. It's long, but a great and inspiring read. I am not a religious person in any way, but I thought it was a great way to end a class that seemed to help a lot of women, including myself, learn a little more about dealing with their own issues.

Cut the cord
Ezra 10:11

So often I want to tell,women,“Go out and buy yourself a pair of scissor and write on the blades, ‘cut the cord! May be that would remain them to disassociate themselves from their past.

There are things you need to cut away from your life. There are relationships you need to serve. There are habits you need to amputate from your daily routine. Don’t allow a guilt trip from the past to strangle you or cling to you or trip you up. Go ahead cut the cord!

God wants to free you from bondage of someone who seeks to control your life. cut the cords that tie you to the old mud holes of your life. Let me explain it this way

If a little lamb and a pig fall into the same dirty, oozing mud hole, the pig will wallow in the mud, but the lamb will cry to get out.

If you are a child of God and fall into mud, you’ll start to cry, “I don’t like this. I want out of this. I’m not really like this. I hate this ! Help me!” it’s time to cut the cords that tie you to the old mud holes of your life.

Whether you fall into the mud or someone throws you into the mud is not the issue. What you do when you are in the mud is what matters.

Realize that there is something in your nature that defies your environment. There is something inside of you that is willing and able to cut the cord. Say good-bye to Joe’s Bar and Ruby’s Lounge.

Say good bye to the pimp and the pusher. Say good-bye to the drinking girls and the gambling friends. Put that addiction, that abortion, that sickness, that divorce, that failure, that loss behind you.

Pronounce your own benediction on your former life Administer your own last rites to your failure. Conduct your own funeral for the “old per son” you were before you were saved. Declare that the old you – the one who existed before God found you, lifted you of the mud and cleaned you up – is dead.

Declare that the old sinful patterns of your life and the old sin producing relationship are gone. Declare any dominating evil spirit evicted from your life. Declare that you are new creature in Christ Jesus. The old you have died and have been buried. The new you is being resurrected.

As you cut the, get ready for a new enthusiasm, a new out pouring of faith, a new freshness of anointing. God will release you to live in freedom.

Source: T.D. Jakes

The F Word

Yes the dreaded F word, and not the one you may be thinking of...this is worse...the one every woman in the world dreads more than any other word..F..A..T! Normally, this word does not bother me. For most of my adult life, I was fat, oh lets not sugar coat it...I was, until about a year ago morbidly obese.

Me in 2009 at my highest weight-330 pounds

I am technically still fat according to BMI scales in the US, even though I have lost 135 pounds and went from a size 30/32 to a 16 (for you men out there....that's friggin a lot) Until today though, I did not feel FAT...I felt great! I look pretty good, at least I think so, and my boyfriend and family do, and they are all that really count. I am after all, about where I was my senior year in high school, maybe a little more. And all the goals I had set for myself before surgery I have achieved. And if I never lost another pound, I would be happy with what I am now.

My Daughter and I in April 2011 down 135 pounds


Now, like I said, normally, the F-word does not bother me. I used to embrace it....if you are fat, and call yourself fat, it doesn't hurt as much if someone else calls you fat right? I know, the logic is there, but ultimately, it does not work that way.

While I was working at my old job as a teller, I was screamed at by a customer whom I was trying my best to help, and he call me a fat bitch. I ended up in the bathroom in tears...I was weeks away from surgery, and even though I knew that it was a cheap shot, he was an a-hole etc etc, It was humiliated in front of other customers and co-workers, and I was really hurt by it.

I had forgotten about that for the most part, until today when someone referred to a size 16 as "Fat". And I felt that feeling all over again. At first, I tried to rationalize it, I'm just being overly sensitive, it wasn't "meant" to be hurtful, blah, blah, blah. And it wasn't, but it did nonetheless. And maybe I am overly sensitive, but hell, I have worked my ass off literally to get to a size 16, and I don't consider it fat...I consider it beautiful! If you Google size 16 women, guess who shows up in the pictures first thing? The ultimate sex kitten herself....

So, if Marilyn is considered fat...then I will gladly take the moniker as well...if being curvy, having hips and a waist, are not sexy, then I am stumped...because if you ask me, looking like I was up all night on a coke bender and I haven't eaten an entire sandwich in a year is not attractive to anyone else...except maybe a crack dealer....

you can even see her ribs...in her back!!! OK...I feel better having said my rant now.

Philly or Bust!!

We are going to visit my sister in Philadelphia this week.  Funny, even when I was in college 20 years ago I never went on an "official spring break".  Still will be no naked co-ed's running around the beach drunk, but hell, it's  a vacation right?
     We are going to see the Liberty bell, Independence hall, and of course the home of my beloved Philadelphia Phillies!!  Along with Ben Franklin's house and a 3 hour walking tour of the city.

Oooohhh really? :(

This past weekend I attended a seminar about helping our youth. I did it to network and hopefully find some leads on a job after graduation, plus it looks good on a resume. I met a lot of people, learned a lot, and generally had a productive day. But I noticed something about conversations. The typical chit chat, questions about you your family, your life, one thing stood out to me.
So, you have kids? (yes, I have a 13 year old daughter)
Just one? (yep, just one)
Don't you want more kids? (No, we decided one is enough)
Ooohhh really??
And then, the look.... the disappointed, how could you settle for just one look. And it got me thinking about it. What is wrong with having one child..what is wrong with not having any children? I don't have a sickness, I am able to have more, I choose not to for many different reasons, and what is so wrong that I get that look when I tell people. when did it become wrong to not want anymore, or any for that matter, children?
   

Spring Pools By Robert Frost

These pools that, though in forests, still reflect
The total sky almost without defect,
And like the flowers beside them, chill and shiver,
Will like the flowers beside them soon be gone,
And yet not out by any brook or river,
But up by roots to bring dark foliage on.
The trees that have it in their pent-up buds
To darken nature and be summer woods --
Let them think twice before they use their powers
To blot out and drink up and sweep away
These flowery waters and these watery flowers
From snow that melted only yesterday.

Haircuts and Hand Grenades

Just went and dropped almost 100 bucks for me and Emily to get our haircut, shampooed, and styled.  This is not a normal occurrence.  Usually it is the cheapy cut but one time I decided to treat us both to something different.  The irony was the girl sitting next to me getting her hair cut and blabbing on and on with the hairdresser.  She proceeded to tell a story (very loud to the entire side of the salon) that her mother had cancer and had lost all her hair a few years ago and how going through that made her not put a lot of stock into her hair anymore. She said she could go bald and wouldn't care (I found this strange considering we are sitting in a room of women who's job it is to care about hair)  So, after all that, this woman dropped 100 on just her head!!  She had the works done, color cut and style.  Umm ok...you don't care about your hair lady....keep telling yourself that.

Onederland!

This morning I woke up at 5:30 am having to pee.  My routine since surgery in June has been, get up and pee..go to the scale.  Go back to bed.  So, mid yawn I am standing in the kitchen on my scale (BTW it is in the kitchen because my bathroom is the size of a closet, welcome to the 1950's built house) freezing my key off and BAM!  the digital display stops on 199.9....what?  No friggin way!  I stepped on that thing 5 times making sure it was right and sure enough...there was that glorious little 1 staring up at me.  I proceeded to do a happy dance (quietly because it was 5:30 am on a Sunday) and go to bed and wait til my other half made a move or grunt so I could shake him into awake and tell him.
     OK, so you may be asking yourself  "You weigh almost 200 pounds and you are happy about that?"  Yes I am!  Considering that before I had gastric bypass on June 4th 2010 I weighed 330 pounds, had really bad plantar factitious in both feet.  Pain in everything on me. I never wore long sleeves or a winter jacket.  I ate horribly, and thought about food all the time.  I was a mess and never even knew it.  I couldn't walk from one side of my little ranch house with getting winded.  The stairs...forget about it.
     It was a year long effort to be approved for surgery.  you don't just wake up one day and schedule an appointment to have it done.  There are nutritionist, dieticians, surgeons, psychiatrists and  sometimes physical therapy to be done before you can even submit a claim to have it done.  And then you have a 50/50 shot of the insurance company saying yes after all that, not to mention the co-pays for all those Doctors and therapists, and then the hospital stay.  No matter what you may have been told, it is in no way shape of form the easy way out for a fat person.
     It is a total change of lifestyle.  And It's not like you can just decide screw it, and go back to old eating habits, or not exercise.  It's do or die after you leave the hospital.  And going back to old habits, not taking vitamins or protein really can kill you.  But the result if you do it right and listen to what the experts tell you, are unreal.  My life is better than I ever could have imagined.  My quality of life is so much more than it was and I never knew it. 

Why the hell am I here?

      I lost my job in July 2010 and the economy tanked all at the same time.  This is how I ended up back in college at 38 years old.  Because I have no skills for a real job, and no degree.  I am by no means complaining about it..in fact, I love being back at school, it has made me feel great, and I am hopefully going to be doing something I want to do after instead of what pays the bills.  So, anyways I digress.

     I am a Human services major, hoping to go into assisted living or the geriatrics field after school.  I am taking Human services 101 this year, interning, a history class ( I LOVE) and a class called Women's Issues.  Little did I know, that 2 of my 4 classes were going to basically be self evaluation.  Now, I have been through my share of drama in the past, and self evaluation is something I have done.  I deal with things and move on.  It's the past, period.  First assignment in WI was make a collage about yourself and present it to the class.  Easy enough I thought.  I threw some pictures of my family, a Steal your Face (I am a Deadhead) wrote some little facts and skirted all the bad stuff and went on my merry way.  Most people in the class did not do it this way.  They let it ALL hang out.  For the past few weeks, everyday another person would stand in front of the class and use the time as therapy and tell all their deep dark secrets, and most of us would end up in tears doling out hugs and pats on the back. 

     First I must say, I commend each and every one of them for having the guts to stand up there and say all the things they have done or been through.  But it is not my style.  My coping mechanism has been since I had my license to drive around listening to music and thinking.  For example, when dealing with my spiraling out of control marriage, I was driving all over the west side of the county blaring every sad Eagles song I could find.  It was depressing, self loathing maybe, but it made me deal with my emotions in a way nothing else could.  And I eventually say to myself, "I don't want to feel like this anymore."  Then I figure out how to fix it.  But that's another story.

     So, when leaving class a few days ago, I was telling the guy who sits next to me, my theory of how I deal with things and how I hate having to talk about it again.  Another woman in my class listening to the conversation said something that made me really think "It's not you that needs to tell your story, but someone might need to hear it."  The thought never crossed my mind that what I have been through might actually help someone.  

     So, here I am.  Back in self evaluation mode trying to number one, open up and talk about uncomfortable things, and number 2 see if anything I say, even something moronic, might help someone else in their journey. So, to anyone who bothers to read this.  Welcome to my world, feel free to comment about what I say, good or bad.  Ask questions if you like, I will try my damnedest to be honest and answer them.  And I will not apologize for anything I write here so if you take offense easily, don't read.  So, anyway, that's what I'm here for, here's hoping someone will bother to read.