The F Word

Yes the dreaded F word, and not the one you may be thinking of...this is worse...the one every woman in the world dreads more than any other word..F..A..T! Normally, this word does not bother me. For most of my adult life, I was fat, oh lets not sugar coat it...I was, until about a year ago morbidly obese.

Me in 2009 at my highest weight-330 pounds

I am technically still fat according to BMI scales in the US, even though I have lost 135 pounds and went from a size 30/32 to a 16 (for you men out there....that's friggin a lot) Until today though, I did not feel FAT...I felt great! I look pretty good, at least I think so, and my boyfriend and family do, and they are all that really count. I am after all, about where I was my senior year in high school, maybe a little more. And all the goals I had set for myself before surgery I have achieved. And if I never lost another pound, I would be happy with what I am now.

My Daughter and I in April 2011 down 135 pounds


Now, like I said, normally, the F-word does not bother me. I used to embrace it....if you are fat, and call yourself fat, it doesn't hurt as much if someone else calls you fat right? I know, the logic is there, but ultimately, it does not work that way.

While I was working at my old job as a teller, I was screamed at by a customer whom I was trying my best to help, and he call me a fat bitch. I ended up in the bathroom in tears...I was weeks away from surgery, and even though I knew that it was a cheap shot, he was an a-hole etc etc, It was humiliated in front of other customers and co-workers, and I was really hurt by it.

I had forgotten about that for the most part, until today when someone referred to a size 16 as "Fat". And I felt that feeling all over again. At first, I tried to rationalize it, I'm just being overly sensitive, it wasn't "meant" to be hurtful, blah, blah, blah. And it wasn't, but it did nonetheless. And maybe I am overly sensitive, but hell, I have worked my ass off literally to get to a size 16, and I don't consider it fat...I consider it beautiful! If you Google size 16 women, guess who shows up in the pictures first thing? The ultimate sex kitten herself....

So, if Marilyn is considered fat...then I will gladly take the moniker as well...if being curvy, having hips and a waist, are not sexy, then I am stumped...because if you ask me, looking like I was up all night on a coke bender and I haven't eaten an entire sandwich in a year is not attractive to anyone else...except maybe a crack dealer....

you can even see her ribs...in her back!!! OK...I feel better having said my rant now.