The Ex factor

The worst thing I can think of, is running into an ex after a number of years. Not necessarily a boyfriend, but a friend, uncle, cousin, friends ex. It's just an extremely uncomfortable experience for all involved, even if it ended amicably, it sucks. For years before my surgery, when I would go home to visit my Mom, and she would want to go somewhere, I would cringe every time we walked into a place, fearing I would run into someone I knew, ex whatever. And the next day would be the "Guess who I saw? Boy did she get FAT!!" And without fail, I would run smack into someone. Now, I am sure some of those people did say that, why I cared, I don't know, but a lot of people probably didn't. It had taken me a long time to get to a point of saying "I don't really care what people think." and mean it. Yes, losing 135 pounds has helped that, but I had to shed a lot of so called friends a long the way as well.

This weekend was my 20th high school reunion, and my feelings on that were mixed. I had gotten over a lot of stuff from "those days" and a lot of my wanting to go was, to prove more to myself than anything that I could face some people again after all theses years. It ended up being a great time for the most part. I saw some old friends, I felt pretty confident about how I looked, which NEVER happened while I was in High School. (I'm sure the 5 to 6 glasses of wine and my awesome boyfriend helped me to feel that way!) I even danced a little bit, and for a little while, I let my guard down and just relaxed and had fun.

When I look back on high school, I remember wanting nothing more than to get out of that town. My biggest fear was never leaving. Staying there was my idea of hell. That little town was a jail as far as I was concerned and I was breakin out ASAP! I left for college and never looked back. Along the way I paid some hard knocks, and reinvented myself a few times, made a whole heaping lot of mistakes that I thankfully learned something from. Started over a few times, and finally got to a place that I have never been happier at. And now, all the crap that went on back then seems so long ago and stupid, but it still shaped who I am today weather I want to admit that or not. And for some silly reason, I felt like I had 20 years worth of proving to do. I know, it sounds like a bad movie plot doesn't it? The goofy girl comes back to prove herself..like Romy and Michelle's High School reunion, only less blonde.

What really happened, was I let go of 20 years of BS that I had been holding onto and just had fun. Fun I haven't had in YEARS! Again, a lot of my own confidence was because I was -135 pounds, and half in the bag, as stated before. And a lot of it was because I had grown up, and so had they, and the ones who didn't and showed up with attitude, I ignored. Maybe I just suddenly realized I had survived worse then high school in my 38 years, and so had they. A rotten marriage, bankruptcy, divorce, an felon EX-husband who doesn't pay child support, living in a falling apart trailer taking care of a baby alone, and weight gain that was spinning out of control from depression and guilt...much worse than who was a bitch to me in high school. I got through all that, what's a little reunion gonna do?

One thing I did not expect from this night, I saw some one I had unfinished business with as well. And I was able to say a few things that for 20 years I have always wanted to say to them. I'm glad to have had that opportunity, and to finish a chapter that I had always felt so bad about all these years. It was good to see them, and even though I feel a little weird about it still, It was therapeutic, almost like finishing a book with a happy yet sad ending that leaves you wishing you hadn't finished it, but at the same time glad you know the ending.

I'm sure a lot of this makes no sense to anyone but me, and I will publish it but apologize now if I ramble on about nothing. Just a rant I have to get out, and now I will close the book on high school angst, and continue on with life as I know it.