The Last Days of 2012

     I have been trying to wrap my head around the last few weeks and everything that has happened. I have been trying to put up a strong front for my family and enjoy Christmas and New Years, and I have been keeping myself busy with cleaning and mundane crafts and reading. But the fact of the matter is, I am grieving, I am sad, and I am depressed, and I am tired of putting up a front for everyone that I am OK. Let me explain and maybe someone reading this will understand whats going on my my head better than I do.
     It started on December 12th. I spent my day twitting around getting ready for Christmas, listening to Christmas music, shopping baking, enjoying the season. I just hung up the phone from talking to my Mom, my Dad was scheduled to have knee replacement surgery on the 18th and I was getting an update on the happenings with that, and I decided to turn on Facebook and play a game and have a cup of coffee before starting dinner, and at 2:45 my daughter would be coming home from school.
      I jump on and the first status I see is a friend of mine who lives in my town with a news feed about a lock down in my daughters school, no information, just that there is one. Most parents in this situation first thoughts got to Columbine, or Virginia Tech, I'm no different. I sent her a text "please text me as soon as you can and let me know you are OK", called my fiance, who tried to calm me to no avail, and called the school.  The school of course could only give the basic answer "Everyone is OK, the situation is under control" Blah Blah Blah when you are a parent on the other end. Not their fault, they are doing their job, but I was a mess. I finally got a simple "I'm OK" text, which sent me into tears, and when she got home, I lost it. Threats were made to kill 4 kids with a gun at school. No one showed up with the guns, everything was precautionary thank goodness. But the damage had been done to my psyche and I hugged my 15 year old pretty much non stop and annoyed the hell out of her.
      Two days later, Sandy Hook happened. I don't care who you are, that tragedy hit everyone in the gut. I refused to watch the news all weekend because it made me so sad, and the fact that I had just been through a lock out didn't help my nerves. Dad's surgery was Tuesday of the next week and I had to be ready for that mentally. My Dad made it out of surgery like a champ, he's home now and healing and had no complications, but that again was a stressful few days because I was worried. He went home from the hospital that Friday, and I went home and baked cookies and got ready for Christmas with our families, refusing to let the events of the world ruin our Christmas.
     We got through the weekend, my fiance and I went out to dinner over the weekend.  We gave out gift cards to a few people we wanted to thank, we were getting our Christmas geared up and ready for a good time.  I was excited to have Christmas with my families.
     Monday morning was normal at first.  We always wake up on days off and lay in bed and talk for a little while, then turn on the TV to see what scores for what ever sporting event Doug slept through or the news during the week,  As we laid there, we heard a helicopter, it wasn't even light out so we knew it couldn't be a traffic helicopter, and it was Christmas Eve.  We heard the sirens, and I turned on the TV to see what the news said.  It was all only an hour into it, so all we knew was a huge fire was burning on the bay in Webster and shots had been fired at first responders.
     We watched throughout the morning as details unfolded, 2 firemen shot transported to Strong, 4 houses engulfed.  A gunman might be on the loose in the area, all this just a few miles from our home.  He could be anywhere.  We watched social media and twitter feeds from the news, press conferences.  And when it was all over, 7 houses were destroyed, 4 firemen had been shot, 2 were dead, and my community was in shock.
     Suddenly, the world knew about Webster, my tiny little mecca I loved had been scarred with an unthinkable crime.  The firehouse is literally up there street.  Theses firemen are our neighbors, our friends.  Webster is a big suburb, but a small town still.  Everyone knows each other, many people who grew up here stay.  It is safe, and tight knit, and we take care of each other.  I have lived in every part of this metropolitan area, but I never felt like part of a community till we lived here.The shock of what happened made most of Christmas a blur.  But I do remember Christmas morning having to drive by the firehouse and having a hard time keeping it together.  We went on and enjoyed ourselves and our families, but it was there.
     It's funny how different it is to have this happen in your neighborhood, than it is to see it happen to someone else.  Before this, I was debating the gun laws and what the government should do to fix things.  Now it has hit so close to home I don't know what to think about it, just that something has to be done.  The last time I remember feeling this way was 911.  Other "newsworthy" attacks have happened, I have felt awful about it, but it was another person it was happening to.  This time, I am no longer a spectator.
     In the past few days, my little community has come together to help our firefighters in any way they can, donations, candle light vigils, posting remembrances on Facebook.  We have tried to focus on the people we lost and loved, not on the deed that was done, or the killer.  The only people who really have any interest in knowing anything about him are the national media trying to boost ratings and start a debate on what we need to do.  I admit I have fallen into that trap many times over.  Never again.  Never will I look at another awful event as a way to start a discussion or debate.  Never will I see a reason to use a tragedy as a reason something should be written into law.  I will look at it as a community of PEOPLE that are grieving  losing Mothers, Brothers, Fathers, Children, Firefighters.  Yes things need to change, what needs to change is how we react to the problem first, only then will people understand and try to change things.  But as long as we look at it as a spectator looking in, and not a human being, we have already lost the debate.

Sugar Free "Shamrock" Mousse

First Thank you to a good friend who inspired me to make a bariatric friendly version of the Shamrock shake after she made a version of her own at home..you know who you are:) Second a disclaimer: Just because I say "bariatric friendly" doesn't not imply by any way shape or form I am condoning you eat this morning noon and night, or that it doesn't have calories and fat and all the other bad evil stuff. It's a DESSERT, it just happens to be sugar free so I am able to partake without going into a sugar coma. I state this because I once posted another sugar free dessert recipe on a forum for RNY'er and they came out of the woodwork slamming me because I didn't stipulate these things...again my theory...IT"S A DESSERT...it's a sweet treat not a meal. Anyhoo here we go...

1 box sugar free vanilla mousse mix
Soy Milk
Vanilla extract
Mint Extract
green food coloring (it is a shamrock shake after all!)

Whip mousse together according to box directions, add vanilla and mint extract to taste (note: a tiny bit of mint goes a long way so start small) and food coloring.

You do not have to use soy milk,(I am lactose intolerant since RNY so I do)
The vanilla soy milk would taste good too!

Now you have 2 options
A. cover and refrigerate according to the directions on the box
OR
B. Grab a spoon and go to town
(I vote B!!) Enjoy!

Angel Hair Alla Carbonara

Pasta Carbonara is not for the faint of heart. I have seen many recipes that warn to be so careful adding the eggs because they will curdle, which is exactly why I have NEVER EVER attempted to make it. I don't know about anyone else, but the idea of spaghetti and scrambled eggs mixed together sound absolutely disgusting! But I stumbled upon this recipe and decided to try it.

I got this recipe from a cookbook that my Mother and my Sister swear by "The America's Test Kitchen Family Cookbook" I got it as a gift after my sister got it for my Mom, and I have yet to make a recipe out of it that sucked. So when I saw this Carbonara recipe, I figured I'd give it a shot. My daughter's reaction "This is how to get me to eat peas." was enough to convince me to make it again.

The ingredients are basic:
3 large eggs
1/4 cup of Pecorino Romano cheese
1/4 cup Parmesan (both grated, I got them combined and grated from my fav store)
3 garlic cloves, minced (I used jarred garlic for ease)
8 slices of bacon chopped fine
1/4 cup Extra Virgin Olive Oil
1/2 cup dry white wine (and a glass for the cook of course!)
1 pound pasta (whatever you like)
Salt and Pepper to taste

Optional:
parsley, Frozen peas(you can either just thaw and add or steam them slightly in the microwave, however you like them)

First, this is my take on cooking with wine. If it calls for "dry" and you like dry, go for it. I am not a dry fan, and my theory is if you don't want to drink it, you won't wanna eat it either. But, too sweet and it turns into syrup. I use a semi-dry Riesling in this case...this one is my favorite but you use what you like.

Here's the difference in this recipe from others. Preheat your oven to 200 degrees and put an oven safe pot in to warm up. (I used my favorite enamel dutch oven)

Start to boil your pasta in salted water to your desired doneness. Reserve at least 1/2 cup of pasta water for later. while that is bubbling away, whisk eggs, garlic and cheeses together (and parsley if desired), set aside. (one other tip. Use room temperature eggs if possible. I find the sauce comes together better this way) In a skillet, cook the bacon and olive oil till the bacon is crispy. (about 8 minutes) I know it seems weird to cook bacon IN oil but trust me, it's worth it! Then, add wine to pan (carefully!) and simmer until it reduces a little (about 5 minutes)

Now, here's where it all gets interesting. When the pasta and bacon sauce is ready, pull out the pot from the oven. Add pasta and bacon sauce into pot. Stir together then SLOWLY add the eggs and cheeses mixture while stirring (tossing) constantly. The combination of the hot pot, pasta and bacon mixture will cook the eggs and make the sauce creamy and delicious. Add pasta water to loosen if needed. Then, add your peas. I then put the whole thing back in the oven with the top on for about 5 minutes to keep it warm and added some of the pasta water before I served it. That's it!

It's a pretty simple recipe with a big payoff when it's done. My picky eaters loved it. And when my other half says "You can make this again!" I know it was a hit. It is also really good as leftovers. You can warm it up in the microwave and add a tiny bit of water again and it's delicious!

I hope you enjoy this recipe as much as we did!

OCCUPY Everywhere!

So, I haven't really had time to blog as of late. Between the ridiculous load of papers and project this semester is bringing, to keeping on Emily to not act like a stupid teenager and actually DO the load of homework she has, to volunteering with the fogies in the hopes of a job in December, then I added a new "job"...Occupying.

I went to a Rally on Columbus day during my lunch break from classes. Emily was with me because she didn't have school and I did, so I thought bringing her to school to see what Mom did might get her to start caring and want to go to college. We went down to the Bank Of America at noon, where a group of people called The Band Of Rebels were protesting. I figured I would go, show my support, bring my kid to show her what it was all about. I had no idea what I would learn.

I went home that night and became a member of Occupy Rochester. I have met so many people, learned so much more about the movement than I ever expected. I would love to say I could express what the movement is, and what it all is about but instead I will quote a local writer from The Democrat and Chronicle, Mark Hare.

"You've seen the numbers. Middle-income wages have been flat for decades. The Congressional Budget Office just reported that between 1979 and 2007, the "average real after-tax household income" for the top 1 percent grew by 275 percent. For the 60 percent of the population in the middle, incomes grew by just 40 percent. The richest 400 Americans have total wealth equal to the bottom 150 million.
The numbers tell the story of democracy compromised and opportunity lost. That's why people are in the streets.There's no simple explanation for how we got where we are. There are many factors: regulatory failures, outsourced jobs, massive tax loopholes, widespread layoffs, lost benefits, exploding costs of college, a political system fueled by money and increasingly responsive only to the corporate interests who pay for the campaigns.
Americans don't hate rich people; most Americans hope to be rich someday. But when a handful of people make all the critical economic decisions, control most of the wealth, derive huge tax benefits and bailouts at the expense of the former middle class — the vast majority at the bottom have no chance to advance. That's what these protests are all about."

So, I have jumped feet first into activism for something I am so passionate about. I have endured friends and families criticisms of my choices. I have been yelled at and threatened by passerby's and fellow students. I have seen people turn a blind eye, not bothering to educate themselves before they open their mouths to scream I am a "socialist". But, I have also seen friends who were set against the movement turn and change their minds, and former classmates have seen me in the street in front of school protesting, and then come down because they want to see what it is all about and join. I have met some of the most amazing, passionate, intelligent people with so much to give. And most of all, my proudest accomplishment, I have seen my daughter take an interest in it and want to be a part of it.

She had a school trip to Washington DC a few weeks ago and she wanted to go see the protesters there. She did a current events project in social studies on the Occupy movement, and I hear her telling her friends about what it means. She even explained taxation to some of them! She will jump at a chance to come to a rally, or take donations to the park. That is why I am doing this, because of her. Because I want her to have a fair chance at the 'American Dream" Because someday, she will be able to tell my grand-kids what I did. And because I want her to be as proud of me as I am of her for standing up for myself and others the same way I am always telling her to do.

The Ex factor

The worst thing I can think of, is running into an ex after a number of years. Not necessarily a boyfriend, but a friend, uncle, cousin, friends ex. It's just an extremely uncomfortable experience for all involved, even if it ended amicably, it sucks. For years before my surgery, when I would go home to visit my Mom, and she would want to go somewhere, I would cringe every time we walked into a place, fearing I would run into someone I knew, ex whatever. And the next day would be the "Guess who I saw? Boy did she get FAT!!" And without fail, I would run smack into someone. Now, I am sure some of those people did say that, why I cared, I don't know, but a lot of people probably didn't. It had taken me a long time to get to a point of saying "I don't really care what people think." and mean it. Yes, losing 135 pounds has helped that, but I had to shed a lot of so called friends a long the way as well.

This weekend was my 20th high school reunion, and my feelings on that were mixed. I had gotten over a lot of stuff from "those days" and a lot of my wanting to go was, to prove more to myself than anything that I could face some people again after all theses years. It ended up being a great time for the most part. I saw some old friends, I felt pretty confident about how I looked, which NEVER happened while I was in High School. (I'm sure the 5 to 6 glasses of wine and my awesome boyfriend helped me to feel that way!) I even danced a little bit, and for a little while, I let my guard down and just relaxed and had fun.

When I look back on high school, I remember wanting nothing more than to get out of that town. My biggest fear was never leaving. Staying there was my idea of hell. That little town was a jail as far as I was concerned and I was breakin out ASAP! I left for college and never looked back. Along the way I paid some hard knocks, and reinvented myself a few times, made a whole heaping lot of mistakes that I thankfully learned something from. Started over a few times, and finally got to a place that I have never been happier at. And now, all the crap that went on back then seems so long ago and stupid, but it still shaped who I am today weather I want to admit that or not. And for some silly reason, I felt like I had 20 years worth of proving to do. I know, it sounds like a bad movie plot doesn't it? The goofy girl comes back to prove herself..like Romy and Michelle's High School reunion, only less blonde.

What really happened, was I let go of 20 years of BS that I had been holding onto and just had fun. Fun I haven't had in YEARS! Again, a lot of my own confidence was because I was -135 pounds, and half in the bag, as stated before. And a lot of it was because I had grown up, and so had they, and the ones who didn't and showed up with attitude, I ignored. Maybe I just suddenly realized I had survived worse then high school in my 38 years, and so had they. A rotten marriage, bankruptcy, divorce, an felon EX-husband who doesn't pay child support, living in a falling apart trailer taking care of a baby alone, and weight gain that was spinning out of control from depression and guilt...much worse than who was a bitch to me in high school. I got through all that, what's a little reunion gonna do?

One thing I did not expect from this night, I saw some one I had unfinished business with as well. And I was able to say a few things that for 20 years I have always wanted to say to them. I'm glad to have had that opportunity, and to finish a chapter that I had always felt so bad about all these years. It was good to see them, and even though I feel a little weird about it still, It was therapeutic, almost like finishing a book with a happy yet sad ending that leaves you wishing you hadn't finished it, but at the same time glad you know the ending.

I'm sure a lot of this makes no sense to anyone but me, and I will publish it but apologize now if I ramble on about nothing. Just a rant I have to get out, and now I will close the book on high school angst, and continue on with life as I know it.

My Major Award

Thank you Kerry, AKA Hamchuckles for nominating me for an award! I do not have anyone else to nominate yet as I am fairly new to the blogging world, but eventually I will be able to return the favor. In the mean time, here are my 10 things about me...

1. Music is a HUGE part of my life. When I remember times in my life, I relate them to songs I remember on the radio. There is not a genre of music I do not like, except maybe gansta rap...yeah I think I can say that one safely is not a fav.

2. I only listen to NPR on my radio...I LOVE LOVE LOVE Open Tunings and World Cafe. I wake up to Morning Edition and end my day with All Things Considered..if that make me a nerd, so be it.

3. My favorite thing to do is a wine tour with my boyfriend...and not in a limo with a bunch of drunks (no offense drunks:) We pack a little lunch of crackers and cheeses, plot out where we want to hit, jump in the truck and go. We will find a nice little spot, hopefully in a vineyard for our lunch and enjoy the day together. Even if the wine sucks, the company is great♥

4. I am addicted to Goodwill and VOA... find myself in Walmart looking at clothes and thinking "I can get that cheaper at Goodwill."

5. I am the only person in my house who can fold the towels. because I am the only one who can fold them right.

6. I own too many hats and purses...and only wear/use one or two anyway.

7. I have an abnormal fear of closed spaces, I can't even put my head under the bed to look for something.

8. Hell on earth to me is a trip to Texas in summer.

9. My Mom and my Sister are my 2 best friends

10. I love indie films and documentaries..especially history documentaries

It's true...I have issues.....

Today was the last day of classes for the spring semester. I had it pretty easy this semester. I only had to take a minimum of 12 credit hours, and since this was my fist time back in school in 20 years, and I had no idea what I was doing because I spent the majority of my first try at college in a drunken stupor, I took it a little easy on myself. I took my major of course, and field work, along with Early European history and Women's Issues.
Now you may be thinking why the hell do they have a class called Women's issues, we all know we have them, why teach a class on them? The class was designed to take a social view of issues women faced through out the years, and what we still face....yes...that dreaded word that all men LOVE to hate is about to rear it's ugly head....it's a FEMINISM class!!! (don don ddddoooonnnn!!)

The class had such a big turn out, that they over booked it and it ended up being the biggest class my professor ever taught, and the most controversial to say the least.
A lot of women in this class were like myself, adult students, with kids and a whole host of issues that held them back through the years. From addiction to gangs to abuse, it was there. There were 5 guys in the class too, with their own issues who contributed their point of views as well, which made for some pretty heated discussions I will say.
Most of the class ended up being sort of a therapy for some who related their own experiences to the topic of the week. Many times I left class stunned at what someone said. Many nights I would relive the class at the dinner table and my boyfriend and I would have great conversations about it.

Before leaving today, one of the girls gave us a little mini diploma that had an article a Bishop wrote that really spoke to me. It's long, but a great and inspiring read. I am not a religious person in any way, but I thought it was a great way to end a class that seemed to help a lot of women, including myself, learn a little more about dealing with their own issues.

Cut the cord
Ezra 10:11

So often I want to tell,women,“Go out and buy yourself a pair of scissor and write on the blades, ‘cut the cord! May be that would remain them to disassociate themselves from their past.

There are things you need to cut away from your life. There are relationships you need to serve. There are habits you need to amputate from your daily routine. Don’t allow a guilt trip from the past to strangle you or cling to you or trip you up. Go ahead cut the cord!

God wants to free you from bondage of someone who seeks to control your life. cut the cords that tie you to the old mud holes of your life. Let me explain it this way

If a little lamb and a pig fall into the same dirty, oozing mud hole, the pig will wallow in the mud, but the lamb will cry to get out.

If you are a child of God and fall into mud, you’ll start to cry, “I don’t like this. I want out of this. I’m not really like this. I hate this ! Help me!” it’s time to cut the cords that tie you to the old mud holes of your life.

Whether you fall into the mud or someone throws you into the mud is not the issue. What you do when you are in the mud is what matters.

Realize that there is something in your nature that defies your environment. There is something inside of you that is willing and able to cut the cord. Say good-bye to Joe’s Bar and Ruby’s Lounge.

Say good bye to the pimp and the pusher. Say good-bye to the drinking girls and the gambling friends. Put that addiction, that abortion, that sickness, that divorce, that failure, that loss behind you.

Pronounce your own benediction on your former life Administer your own last rites to your failure. Conduct your own funeral for the “old per son” you were before you were saved. Declare that the old you – the one who existed before God found you, lifted you of the mud and cleaned you up – is dead.

Declare that the old sinful patterns of your life and the old sin producing relationship are gone. Declare any dominating evil spirit evicted from your life. Declare that you are new creature in Christ Jesus. The old you have died and have been buried. The new you is being resurrected.

As you cut the, get ready for a new enthusiasm, a new out pouring of faith, a new freshness of anointing. God will release you to live in freedom.

Source: T.D. Jakes